By KJ Quick
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mentions of sexual situations (choking), mentions of dysphoria
i was your sock sleeper, chemical creeper, long distance fever dream i could’ve loved you but january was cold and cruel and i watched you quietly silently choking on words like cough drops stuck in the back of my throat i could’ve let it slip but i didn’t i was good, i was quiet like nobody ever taught me except you liked when i opened my mouth you loved it and you almost loved me you almost did cause i felt it one time before the snow came and your car broke down 5 miles outside of town and your hair was getting longer like a playground of silk to drown in and pull until i forgot my own name and then wondered if you were ashamed of me i came once just thinking about a picture of you but that was the problem the idea of you was better than your strong, boyish body standing under the fluorescent street lamp the idea of your hands around my neck was better than having to undress in front of you and your tattooed, flat, stupid fucking chest that i obsessed over, spiraled into, hated with all my guts in the dark everything was better than the real thing isn’t that always how it goes? and i made the usual jokes. i made them all, i said “i’m insane” “run away” “nobody ever stays” but you pitied me all winter until you met some girl with 3 cats who gave you what i couldn’t even on the best days of loving how much i hated you tonight i’m not sleeping with any socks so i thought of you i’m trying to sleep on the right side of my head because of an ear piercing that aches down to the bone (remember that one i got for migraines before you hated me?) i’m trying to sleep on what would’ve been your side of the bed if you had ever seen me the way i wanted you to but now i can’t sleep maybe i should put my socks back on
My name is KJ and I am a 24 year old trans and non-binary person based in Brooklyn, NY. I’m currently in grad school to be a therapist and truly love what I am learning and the work I’m doing. I love to write, collage, drink tea, read at the park, spend time with friends, swim, and watch dumb movies. I love to explore the concepts of grief and transformation in the poetry I write and the art I make. I am grateful to be here on this earth and get to exist alongside so many beautiful living things.
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