By Blue Hayes
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Struggles and doubts relating to one’s own identity. Themes of uncomfortability in chosen identity.
There’s another woman in my body
She’s distinctly there; me, but also someone else
She’s a part of me, one I have to hide
But she isn’t “me”
More like another person,
With the same memories and personality
I’m usually stronger than she is
She spends more time in silence
It’s easier to be something I already look like
She makes me doubt myself
She makes me wonder if I’m a trend follower
Telling people I’m something I don’t want to be
A part of me wants her gone
To free myself from the embarrassment
I don’t hate her
Sometimes we’re even here together, at once
But she complicates my life
Something that should be so simple
Filled with scary new doubts
People tell me she’ll go away eventually
That she’s a “phase.” An “experiment.”
That one day I’ll just stop
Maybe they’re right
Maybe one day I’ll look back on all this
And I’ll cringe
But another part of me hopes they’re wrong
That we’ll always be distinct, yet together
Those times when I’m both of us
Both,
When I’m fine with the eyeliner she wears
That she thinks almost makes her pretty
It’s one of the most freeing feelings
When I can be me
And she can be her
When we can even be each other
And I’m okay with that
I wish things were always like that
I wish I were content when they weren’t
That I never had to fear
That there’s another woman in my body
There’s another man in my body
He’s distinctly there; me, but also someone else
I’m a part of him, one he tries to hide
But he isn’t “me”
More like another person,
With the same memories and personality
He’s usually stronger than I am
He spends more time calling the shots
It’s harder to be something I’ll never look like
He makes me doubt myself
He makes me wonder if I’ll ever be seen
As the woman I one day want to be
A part of me wants him gone
To free myself from the manliness
I don’t hate him
Sometimes we’re even here together, at once
But he complicates my life
Something that already is so complex
Filled with even more doubts
People tell me he’ll go away eventually
That I’m the “real” me. “Trapped.”
That one day I’ll be free
Maybe they’re right
Maybe one day I’ll look back on all this
And I’ll sigh
But another part of me hopes they’re wrong
That we’ll always be distinct, yet together
Those times when I’m both of us
Not neither.
When I’m fine with the jacket he wears
That he thinks almost makes him cool
It’s one of the most freeing feelings
When I can be me
And he can be him
When we can even be each other
And I’m okay with that
I wish things were always like that
I wish I were content when they weren’t
That I never had to fear
That there’s another man in my body
Blue Hayes ( he/him/she/her ) is an achillean, gender fluid university student pursuing a degree in computer science with a minor in political science. She was raised in a remote cult by a parent who oversaw business conducting conversion therapy, and her writing focuses largely on her experiences in discovering and performing her identity following independence from her family. Blue’s name may be familiar in certain online fandom spaces, but he has requested to remain anonymous in this publication as a precautionary measure.
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